LINES I LOVE THE MOST

There was in a courtyard,
an old cement wall.
Thunder lightning, nothing could
touch it at all.

It was cold and sturdy and topped
with bits of glass
It defied age, time or reason, it let
nobody pass.


One day through a tiny crack
there emerged
A tiny green stem with a leaf
still unfurled.

It has no soil to hold on to,
no water at all.
It had nothing in with the
old grey wall.

But slowly the tiny green stem
grew roots.
And the stem branched out
into multiple shoots.

Soon a crack appeared in the
unshakable wall.
Those who preserve, conquer
it all.



Honoring greatness.

To achieve something gives a great feeling. And sometimes to let it go gives greater

Question: As I sit here in office,I think: Why did I do bad in CFA xam?

Response : There are many explanations [and reactions] that may soothe my frens n family:
"Course was too tough",Ma.
"At least you tried",Papa.
"He he",Supriyo
"Keep your fingers crossed",Didi.
"Mere saath diyo ab june mein",Karthik.
"saale tu bahut bada negative thinker hai, tera ho jayega"Nikhil Bhai

"Rehne do****Kyuin",Khushboo

"hmmmmmm",Vidhushi.
"Office was too hectic,man"Deep

Past : I would not say this was my first xam where I did bad. Scored 22/50 in english gram in 2nd. Scored 53/100 in maths in 10th. 64/100, English - 10th. 37/100, Sanskrit-8th, was amongst last 3-4 guys in nursery and KinderGarden. But I never took as them defeats. I always laughed at the teachers and took them as opportunities to score more. A few times, I did and many a times I didn't. I am no Hero. But good thing was: I didn't loose battles without fighting. I was always happy fighting.

Present: But this time it was different. I lost it. I didn't laugh at it. And I have not taken this as a challenge, this time. It's different. Its not a Zen's calm. It is a tired person's acceptance of defeat.

Race: Now does that make me one among those who are at the bottom of the race [Races don't go left to right or right to left these days; they go top to bottom and bottom to top. Gives you the liberty to pull the legs of ones above you or watch thru their legs. Great if your boss is a She. Also, keep pissing on ones below you. Learned this at the org i m working for:) CopyRight - KapilGoyal] No that does nt make me one below the ones above me. I feel myself trapped in a marathon, where everyone wants to come first. I am standing right in the center of this running rushing crowd pushing me along willingly/unwillingly.

Me: I am tired of running. I stand demotivated. Out of the purple haze, I am trapped in the $$$HAZE$$$ - worst thing that could happen to me. I find a way out: find solace listening to Sri-2 RaviShanker. But then I forgot his lessons the moment I lost his sight. Anyways, life has not been all that cruel to me. I will fight back and win. Caz that is me. But then, why have I to fail once before making it heads. God is great and he always will be. I search for a race I would love to be a part of. I-Banking is day(s) in-thing. Today/tomorrow I will turn this around but will I do what I enjoy most doing in life:Talking. Or I will I keep venting out my anguish [over this over-awed society of mine] only on blogs. I have promised myself that I will do four things for sure in life: ***Serve my parents [Nothing new] ***Make a film ***Open a charity school in my grandpa's village ***____*** I am keeping fourth blank for anything new that comes to life.

Gyan: You have to come to terms with life. You have to keep the bar low. Probably, I feel more clear about my life now. Right. A balanced life like a balanced diet is the solution. Every thing has to be done. It is not an acceptance of defeat but a pleasure of realising: Life is important.

Prediction: On the timescale, my story will be like this : **Health[mental and physical]**Amrika.**Study.**Ibanking**Money**Marriage**Serve.**2-3 maal gf's [my daughters]**Direct[a film]/Write a book**Open Charity School**Smile&Pass-Away**.

Question: Life is simple. Isn't it?

STRAIGHT SPEAKING AND RIGHT LIVING

I wash my hands of him(PAUPER) at the start. I cannot father the tales anymore. I make a few preliminary reservations, observe, as a guard on my own trust. I do possess a certain definite position in a small-small way,and for the bright name of the community that honours my existence with its kind approval, and for the sake and surity of life's posterity and mine, I cannot take chances I once did, nor foster any probabilities with the careless improvidence of the youth.

Having been honest to myself, and to whatever prospective olive branches life may be pleased to offer me, I can now afford to be generous. I do not criticize the tales told to me. If it is asked why, I can only add that judgment I have no dreams of my own. Long have I pondered and balanced, but never have my conclusions been twice the same! caz this Papuer is a greater man than I. If he have told truths, well and good; if untruths, still its good. For who shall prove ? or who disprove? I eliminate myself from that proposition, while those of little faith may do as I have done - go find the same Papuer, and argue to his face the various matters which, if future serves, I shall relate to.As to where he may be found? Dead in the a cinema's bin...

That he is there,somewhere, within that unclearly defined territory, I pledge the word of an honourable respectful man whose expectations entail straight speaking and right living.

Characters can be changed to make stories look more customized. But, truth has to found by 'STRAIGHT SPEAKING AND RIGHT LIVING'.

Sorry, I Stopped Listening Five Minutes Ago

"Sorry, I Stopped Listening Five Minutes Ago".. were the words I uttered in one of the office meetings 3-4 days back. Sitting next to the principal of the organisation these words show my absentmindedness. A dumb me was never a reality. I did not go back and contemplate. I know I am wrong and I know have wrong reasons to behave liked that. But that was truth, I was not present. I was absent. I am losing my credit because of this. My mind is not focussed.

Now this para seemed quite simple. For all those who read blogs for literary pleasure, this is plain. I am sure most of you might as wel have lost the interest. As I write I feel strong emotions but they do not have nomenclature. My quality has de-proved (improved's opposite). But let us see if I can find a reason for this and try to keep you all motivated.

"swamiji swaiji nahi raha..sala gujju baniya ho gaya hai. mainto bahut pehle hi paagal ho chuka tha. tu to normal rehne ka try kar". Great words. From a great person. Dont worry he s not great enough that you try to guess his name. His name is litte. He has nothing to do with LTTE, the tamil tigers. Let me introduce a flashback here and introduce the three characters in quotes. They resided in the same hostel for over three years.

So we have these three - gujju baniya, Litte and swami.

Now, think of every thing in a frame of black and white.

Gujju baniya - He is the most intelligent of the three. Rest two only pretend intelligence and show it off when it is least required. If you thought he is a gujrati, you are grossly mistaken. He s a bihari. Now don’t get scared by any bihari stereotype. He is harmless dumbo. Right from school he came first. And those who came second could never think of coming first. (though that was exaggeration but was very close to the reality). He is the natraj. Many girls, not so girls (what else was there in roorkee), professors, beggars, aliens have been attracted to natraj at different point of time by all his westren, not so western (his area of expertise) and indian performances. He was roommate of this swami for about an year. Swami was harami (Rthym - sing .. swami was harami,..lala lala la...swami was harami). Now, stop singing and read. Why was the gujju, baniya? See two reasons. First, he's by birth a baniya. (so are the other two!). Second, he s baniya and he epitomizes this. You won’t ever feel you are spending on him and he won’t ever feel that you are spending on him and the friendship goes on. He is a great guy to be with. Sad part of the story is, only boys know this. Alas!. Hope you have maintained the black and white frame till this point.

Litte – Think of a 5’3 unshaven uncombed unkempt unaccented unacquisitive and unawed bengaali. He is not harmless. He is a mental virus. He can eat up your mind. He is a great Lit guy. That is all in his honor. Now his dishonor. He wears grey white shirts. White shirts grayed with dirt. Some colors, sounds, smells added. Colors, litte is very much colored. All over his face God has thrown bits and pieces of chalk powder and coal tar. He is not as black as me but he is as patched as a leopard. Bad descript. Anyways, sounds. Dha dhaiyein surr purr hurr dhush dhshhhh dashhh….don’t worry …no plain sounds; they have smell in them. Three rooms next to his room litte has his presence felt. Ahh! Mess food. So this little fart king litte will sleep as if he will never wakeup. Bad on attendance this guy was quite clear and confused. Clear about his confusion and confused about everything other than his clarity on confusion. Always said very confidently,” I am confused”. Poor guy got through IIM Cal.


Swami – Now if girls are reading this. Please hold your breath. Change the black and white frame. Think of a meadow somewhere in some eastern Europe village. Think of yourself as wearing a red scarf and a blue skirt with a basket of red fresh apples held tightly in your hand. Breeze, rain, trees, river, huts etc add them one, few or all as per your taste. Now your prince of dreams..our swami arrives. A sharp featured, smart and sturdy swami, cynosure of most of the girls. He, perfection undescribed. He was what ever good you can think of. (Though, thinking is hard as she says)

Swami is me.


Now all those who have been able to read this blog till here are requested to be patient and wait for more to come. Get out in reality and keep the B&W frame to your side.

Why was the first para written in first place. "Sorry, I Stopped Listening Five Minutes Ago". Where has the thought gone. Its very much here. All of the three – GB, litte and swami had one thing in common – they were confused. Grossly confused. They talked about life in detail. They passed out without finding their passions. Litte is a below average performer at Cal. Swami is thrashed by his manger every now and then. Gujju feels frust in the his oil fill plant.

We are all talented but performing not to our satisfactions. We can leave our jobs, studies, careers et al (wrong usage) but need passions for that. Greatest challenge on planet is to find a passion. I never felt sad about my being less passionate than needed. But I feel it now. God can make your birth happen in societies, cultures, environments where you become finest intellectuals etc but HE can’t ever place you in a position where you will say “this is what I want to do”. This lurking danger can hit us all hard and bad. As I end my CFA books wait for me as it is the latest found forced passion.

Mom calling. Deewali pujan.

Sorry, for an abrupt ending.

Life is weird and it will always be.

Technology Inconvenience

Oh man! a new stream of thoughts..

I am getting bored in office. No work . Rather I finished it early. Those who don't want to read garbage please press the red cross button on top right of your screen. I will bore you. Read this if you have nothing else to do.

I was just thinking. How advanced are we.

I am technocrat. Working as a market analyst (a hip-hop profile for those who don't know wht it is). I use some 6 year old Motorola phone. If, I travel by bus and a pick-pocket gets it out of my pocket he will come back to me giving back the mobile and may be a few rupees in charity.

My dad. He is a top executive of a nationalized bank. He loves his children as anybody else would do. He bought my sis one of the costiliest cameras available in the Indian market. I went back home. He is back from Kolkatta (read with Punjabi ac-sent). Brought a new mobile for me too. It was red colored. (OOH didn't he get any other color). It's cost was half my salary (only meant for those who know it). It was a great phone. But I asked him to take it back to Kol-kataa (read with a Bengali ascent as it is going back).

My sis is a wud-be surgeon. She is SUPPOSED to work hard in her hospital. Take great care of her patients. But she has got a similar mobile. 99% of times she is hooked to it. May be shes asking her fellow doctors about consultation. I don't know. She is a desi. Give her a computer she will get confused between an excel sheet andd a pdf document. But she has all the antra-tantras NEEDed to call oneself hip-hop. Does she NEED all this.

I have explained my family more than the gadgets, here. But the point is this. We have everything around us on sale. I still am trying to figure out why a budding surgeon NEEDs a 10 megapixel camera more than an eye lash euipment. We have become slaves to machines. People say we are yet to reach that stage. I disagree. We are losing on the priorities. We don't know what to buy and why to buy FIRST. Because our minds are getting conditioned day in and day out. We can't stop this NEED for greed syndrome.Can we. If we could, my company gets out of business. I am not a swadesi or a communist. I simply question the existense of all these consumer products which come without any information on DO WE REALLY NEED THEM.

As I end, my motorola mobile blips for a message to download the latest bollywood ringtones.

Lunch Break.Life is weird.

Liked it so much that could not resist copying this...

Liked it so much that could not resist copying this...

Hey! I am educated
They say the earth is round
I beleive them
They say the sun is stationary
I beleive them
They say I cant exceed the speed of light
I beleive them
I call myself educated because i know these
But I have never seen the curvature of the earth
I see the sun moving through out the day
I never tried to go beyond the thousandths of light
But still I beleive them
And I call myself educated.

Life is weird.

Life is weird. Things just don't seem to make sense. People walk backwards. Cars drive backwards. More importantly, we can't really seem to get inside the head of the body we inhabit: it's as though they are two separate selves. Man ditches his lovers, has sex with dogs, and then seduces them. Every Sunday he takes money out of the collection plate at temple. He finds bits of himself in the trash: teeth, hair, and so forth. The man works as a doctor, breaking small children who come to see him. Aversion to the doctor is there,the heinous acts he performs both on the children and in everyday life are worth imagining. Life goes on . Doctors kills the all of us until time finally flows backwards to the one era and place in which it all makes sense : the source of the doctor's literal, and spiritual, guilt. This causes a crisis of identity within all of us . What could have caused time to flow backwards and morality to reverse in the first place? We are all confused. People are stealing heads of others to make money. My organs lie safe in the wardrobe. I am happy that doctor doesnt know me. I play gulli-danda without the stick.Himalayan trees start shedding diamonds in place of apples.

AND POLITICIANS BECOME HONEST.

CFA my journey..unaccomplished

Saw n no. of people writing on the blog spot n as the thing gets more of a symbol of being intellectually hip-hop ; lemme try my hand. i m still figuring out ..DO not PPL hav better things things to do.

While i write, I still think what shall I write about ? The long holidays I enjoyed on the Kerala beaches or the political rebuttal , coup , frustrating stories in institution ; survival of the fittest stories of office ; all of that stuff I can find in my other blogs . So, shall I write that!! Nah! Never!

CFA is hot on my mind. Like a three yr old nursery kid hates going to school. I hate going to office just on the pretext that I have a lot to study for CFA. After lots of ifs n buts I move ahead n as said when you can’t avoid rape just lie down n enjoy it. I just go and work comes back.

Work! Is there a way u can earn without working ..If u know a way pls let me know. I am not sure how long I will enjoy working with a sleep work eat n shit schedule as I feel underutilized in life. But as it is a demand-supply world ,u cant fall below the supply line , because your competitors will make sure that you don’t exist . Anyways to me it is like hedging the gains again into the drain and not utilizing them as wealth .But throwing them again into the vicious circle of capital input. The multiplier effect adds to this. To buy a laptop and a CFA registration become more important than to go to the nearest gym.

When I see well educated, city bound, hush-hush, ppl. Not bulging an inch in heavily a crowded bus. Reaching out to moons and stars when earth is yet to be explored . Not standing in Qs . Not accommodating with the people they live day in and day out . Rising to 30 th malas just for space. Its a space crunch and no reality boom can ever help this .Come to my village .You can play golf in my drawing room. May GOD GIVE THEM SPACE TO THESE IN HIS OWN HOME.I question education. We have lost space in our hearts .Logic has overpowered us.

A two yr toddler trying unsuccessfully to tie his always falling underwear . I feel equally hapless. When u cant see the end but only the journey n u have this habit of not living in present u feel like this toddler. But then the great gurus have given the gyan of living happily in present which seems more of a rhetoric den anything else . Great gyan but hard to follow. I can learn from this toddler more than the gyan gurus flashing on all sorts of TV channels.

I am still not on the topic as the mind thinks in the most haphahazd way I don’t stop it to think like that and yes this is may one of the worst sequesnced blogs you may have ever read but this bit of writing truly reflects hows my prep for CFA going:D .Logic has overpowered us.We want evrery piece on the earth to follow science, logic . History repeats and intellect wont survive for long. I wish this world to become the most haphazard place. Discovery should have its charm alive ever.

Let my next blog try to give a better bigger picture.